Your Dream Home,
His Snack Break
Michael Burns doesn't just show homes — he lives in them. Sometimes literally. With over a decade of experience in the Waxhaw market and an unshakeable commitment to Hostess products, Michael brings unparalleled dedication to every transaction.
*Michael has been asked to leave 3 open houses but returned all snacks. Mostly.
Michael Burns
REALTOR® · eXp Realty · NC License #1337420
Michael's Greatest
Property Highlights
All photos taken during "routine" showings. Sellers were notified. Eventually.
Properties Michael Has
Made Himself at Home In
Services You Didn't Know
You Desperately Needed
Michael Burns goes above and beyond. Sometimes literally. Most of these services are included at no additional charge because no one has figured out how to bill for them yet.
Emotional Support for Your Old House
Michael personally consoles your previous home so it doesn't feel abandoned. Includes reading it a bedtime story before closing. Tissues provided. Sellers discouraged from watching.
Wildlife Negotiation
Mediates peace treaties with squirrels, raccoons, or that one bird who thinks the porch is his now. Michael has a 78% success rate. The other 22% ended in standoffs.
Personalized Bathtub Testing
Michael tests every tub "for splash potential and existential comfort." Bubble bath optional but strongly recommended. Results delivered in a one-page report with tide marks.
Haunted House Certification
Not a home inspection — this is a vibe check. Michael spends the night to confirm ghost friendliness and whether they do chores. Results: 94% of ghosts are just vibes. 6% are actually helpful.
Laundry Room Performance Art
Michael reenacts what doing laundry could feel like in this home. Includes interpretive folding, a dramatic sock-sorting monologue, and a standing ovation he gives himself.
Tree Whispering
Michael communicates with the trees to ensure they approve of you as the new owner. If the oak disapproves, you're out. He has vetoed two offers based on arboreal feedback. Both were bad offers anyway.
Pet Interview Services
Your dog gets to "interview" the house. Michael translates the feedback with complete seriousness. A 2023 Goldendoodle named Biscuit vetoed a $600K listing over "suspicious carpet smell." He was right.
Ice Cube Compatibility Test
Michael checks if the fridge ice tastes like sadness, chlorine, or hope. He has developed a proprietary 7-point tasting rubric and pairs results with Twinkie flavor profiles for full sensory context.
Lost Sock Retrieval Guarantee
If any socks disappear in the new dryer within the first 90 days, Michael personally hunts them down. He carries a headlamp. He has found 43 socks this year. None of them matched.
Door Slam Dramatic Readings
Michael demonstrates how each door sounds when slammed during an argument, helping you choose the best room for dramatic exits. He has rehearsed monologues for each door. The pantry one is Shakespearean.
The Twinkie Package™
Michael's signature offering. Includes ALL of the above services, a complimentary box of Twinkies at closing, a personalized pantry capacity report, and his solemn oath that he will not nap in your home more than twice during the listing period.
"Every service listed here has been performed at least once. Some were performed without being asked. We're working on that."
— Michael's Broker, reluctantly
*Overnight stays are not officially sanctioned by eXp Realty, the NC Real Estate Commission, or common sense. Michael does them anyway.
The Man. The Myth.
The Twinkie.
Michael Burns has been a cornerstone of the Waxhaw, NC real estate community for over 11 years. Born and raised in Union County, Michael knows every cul-de-sac, school district, and gas station snack selection from here to Marvin.
His philosophy is simple: every home deserves to be truly experienced. That's why Michael doesn't just walk through listings — he sits in the recliners, tests the bed firmness, and evaluates the kitchen's snack storage capacity personally. He calls it "immersive market research." His broker calls it "a liability."
When not closing deals or rearranging clients' pantries, Michael coaches Little League, volunteers at the Waxhaw Historical Society, and is working on his Twinkie-based cookbook, tentatively titled "Golden and Flaky: A Realtor's Journey."
*Self-certified. Dispute ongoing with the NC Real Estate Commission.
What People Are
Saying (Under Oath)
Michael found us the perfect home in Waxhaw. Yes, we found him asleep in the master bedroom on our second showing, but honestly? The man was right — the mattress IS incredible. We bought the house. And the mattress.
Professional, knowledgeable, and somehow always eating a Twinkie mid-sentence. He negotiated $18,000 off the asking price while simultaneously eating what I believe was his fourth snack cake. I don't understand it but I respect it deeply.
We hired Michael to sell our home. He brought six buyers in two days. He also left Twinkie wrappers in the garage, a blanket in the spare bedroom, and somehow our dog now responds to his name. Worth every penny. Would hire again.
I arrived at my own open house to find Michael in the hot tub with a box of Ring Dings. He said he was "pre-qualifying the amenities." We accepted an offer the next morning. His methods are unconventional. His results are not.
Three stars because he ate my Chips Ahoy from the pantry during the inspection. However, he correctly identified that the foundation had a minor crack based on how the crumbs fell, saving us $12,000 in repairs. So... fine. Five stars. Changed my mind.
Michael once fell asleep during a Zoom closing call. When we woke him up, he immediately cited the exact square footage, HOA fees, and school district ratings from memory. He was dreaming about the listing. This man is dedicated. Or haunted. Either way, we got the house.
Ready to Find
Your Next Home?
Michael is available 7 days a week, typically between his 10 AM and 2 PM naps. He'll respond promptly unless he's in a showing, a drive-through, or a very vivid dream about interest rates.
Phone / Text
(704) 555-0182
michael@burnshomes.com
Office
eXp Realty · Waxhaw, NC 28173
Snack Preference
Twinkies, Golden variety only. Please advise sellers.